Inadequate for the calling of Motherhood....

I can still remember vividly the day I was getting ready to have my oldest child. I was one week over due, and in a lot of pain. That morning D, my mother and I arrived at the hospital at 5 am, only to be told I wasn't ready and to come back in a couple of hours. Around 8 am we went back and we were ready for labor. In my head and in my heart, was a tornado of emotions. I was nervous. Scared. Excited. Happy. Overjoyed. Concerned. But most of all, I felt inadequate. The feeling of inadequacy has never left me. With each new child and each new experience, it still lingers. How do I do this great calling with the minimal experience that I have. Being a mother is the equivalent of being a doctor, lawyer, chef, teacher, therapist, hairstylist and psychologist all at the same time. With all these occupations you have years of schooling in order to learn your craft. And here I am, this imperfect person, learning as I go, how reckless is that!

This past week the feeling has been a little stronger with thoughts of past mistakes resurfacing. I realize that my children are getting older all the while I am still learning and trying to find solutions. Solutions as to how I become a better mother. A better wife. A better person.

One of my solutions, for the better mother part, is doing laundry late night so I can get some blogging/me time and have more time for my children during the day. Well, that causes lack of sleep which equals a grumpy me in the morning. So I'm rethinking that one for the sake of my families sanity.

I guess these feelings come from knowing that I could probably do better or I could give more. Self evaluation can be real eye opener and maybe even a sickness when over done. I have all these lists of things I need to improve. The lists are endless. Maybe they are a waste of time, just like my efforts to make sure that my home is immaculate. Maybe I just need to let go a little and enjoy my children. Allow them to laugh a little louder, be a little messier, play a little longer, and just be kids. Maybe, just maybe, that will allow me the freedom to allow myself to make mistakes and learn, rather than beat myself up about it. All I know is that I don't feel like I give my children enough mothering... or attention for that matter. It's like I'm just going through all my lists and the motions but I'm not really here. At the end of the day I try to remember how many times I hugged them, or told them I love them. Or even spent some real one on one time with them. And needless to say, I don't feel its enough. So I'm going to make it a goal to do just that. Not worry about the insignificant stuff and just focus of what really matters. My children.